Authentic Thursday week 8

Letting it fall apart….in our culture we try to “keep it together.” Looking good on the outside is overrated. Rather than admit we need help, many of us put on a good front…that is until we can’t fake it anymore. That’s where I was back in 2001. Everything in my life was falling apart and I couldn’t keep it together any more. Please see last weeks post so you will understand what’s going on in this post. I’m in the middle of a conversation with God.

So I say to god, “I’m not ready for this” and she says “Yes you are.” “She” you ask? Yes, my new god had a female voice. Actually she had my voice. The voice didn’t come from somewhere outside of me, rather, it came from deep inside of me. This very mature, sensible, complete and perfectly evolved part of me. She wasn’t going to let me go backward into ignorant bliss. Each time I began to panic, she would calm me down with a voice of reason. My thoughts were racing!!!
Who are you? “I am who you need me to be.” What about my belief as a Jehovah’s Witness? “That was what you needed at the time.” This means you could also be some malicious punishing god that burns people forever. “Why does fire scare you, is that the worst thing you can think of? You are eternal and fire cannot harm you. You are energy.”

Ok, so you think that’s weird? Then, (because I’m completely narcissistic) I say to god “I know things other people don’t know…” and god says “Yes you do know things others don’t. And they know things you don’t, you all need each other.” Why do I have to be an artist, I don’t want to be an artist. Why can’t I be a rich business person? “You chose this path.” No I didn’t, I didn’t ask to be born….long uncomfortable pause on god’s part, leaving me to fill in the blanks. I don’t like what she’s implying! Interpretation is open here. At the time I went through this conversation I understood this to mean that I had a pre-human existence, chose to be born and be on this journey. In fact, I still believe that. As a matter of fact god said “you came here to learn about love and jealousy.” Clearly I have a long way to go in that regard! As I review this very radical experience, as I write this post and see my words, and god’s words, I see possibility.

Well, let’s just say I continued to freak out with all of this new information. It took a good while to assimilate and digest this new concept of god. It was so foreign to my previous beliefs, yet so undeniably authentic. I continue to try and maintain an open mind and be tolerant of others beliefs. I realize that whatever concept another may have of god, though it may be completely different from my understanding, it is exactly how they need to understand god. It’s not my job to convert people into thinking like me. Still, I do hope what I’ve shared has resonated with some, and perhaps rattled a few cages. If you’re going through a spiritual crisis, you can survive. You may need help. So get help. It may be terrifying to let it fall apart, but sometimes it’s actually falling together. We all need each other…

Peace and Love,

Susan

website

*update* My site has been transferred, so you should be able to type www.susanbrown.net and get my new site (aqua background). If you are still seeing the old site (black background) you will need to refresh your browser and hopefully the new site will appear.Thanks!

Authentic Thursday week 7

I want to conclude the story of my life this week. Of course it’s not the whole story, just an abbreviated version. I’ll be getting into the subject of “god” and that has me a little anxious. In the book, “Living Buddha, Living Christ”, Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Discussing God is not the best use of our energy.” I agree. With that in mind, all I can do is share my experience regarding the spiritual/emotional side of life.

In September 2001, during a time when the US experienced a horrific attack, I was experiencing my own emotional breakdown. Things were ending for me. My dad had died the year before, my relationship was ending. I had left my religion, marriage and friends a few years before that, and ultimately had no God to turn to. I had started therapy but it wasn’t working fast enough. Plus I didn’t have the resources (money, health insurance) to get much of that kind of help. I was in absolute terror about my financial future and the future in general. My sister brought me to a 12 step meeting and when I saw and heard the word “God”, I knew there was no hope for me. If having a god in my life was the solution, I was screwed because I thought I knew all there was to know about such things.

I heard people sharing about “a god of your own understanding” and I thought “oh yeah, as if you can just decide for yourself who god is.” I didn’t believe it was possible to let go of my ideas and beliefs regarding this. I thought my god and religion were the only truths, absolute, set in stone. I didn’t want to go back to my religion, but I didn’t know how to move forward.

I really, really REALLY didn’t think I could go on living because I was so terrified. At the same time, I was afraid if I killed myself I would be transferred to another realm of eternal torment…not very promising. This is what you might call a spiritual crisis. I wanted desperately to be put in a hospital where I could be pumped full of drugs to shut off the chatter in my head.

I stayed up all night after that first 12 step meeting, (Friday September 28, 2001) just spinning in my head. I called my mom the next morning and informed her that I really couldn’t go on in this world, “you know how sad I’ve always been” I said, and she agreed. My sister lived downstairs from me and she came up and talked with me, and listened to me all day. I didn’t realize how much fear I had carried around most of my life. I shared with her a few things that had happened when I was a teenager…just a lot of fear and depression.

She could see how my current belief in god was keeping me in fear, and suggested that I find a new god. I wasn’t confident that I would be able to do this, but I did feel better by the end of the day. Not completely recovered, but better. The next day I went to another 12 step meeting and felt really connected to the group. By the end of the day I felt so peaceful. I thought maybe there was hope for me. That was September 30, 2001. The evening was really warm. I stood outside and looked at the stars and the moon and felt such utter and complete serenity, an absolute connection to the universe and all living things. At some point, in my state of new found bliss, I prayed. I asked this new god, whomever that might be, to review my life with me and show me where he (still patriarchal in beliefs) had been present in my journey. Suddenly I was terrified of what I had asked…I had opened a door to something new and “outside the box” of safe parameters that I had been accustomed to. Exactly who was I now praying to? The possibilities were endless. I quickly wanted to shut that door, but it would not be shut. I said I’m not ready for this. This new god said “yes you are.”

Ok, so I thought I would conclude this week, but look how much I’ve already written and there’s still a whole lot more to this conversation. Plus my arm is ready to fall off, carpal tunnel stuff.

I must leave you in suspense…next week for sure!

Much love,

Susan

website

*update* My site has been transferred, so you should be able to type www.susanbrown.net and get my new site (aqua background). If you are still seeing the old site (black background) you will need to refresh your browser and hopefully the new site will appear.Thanks!

Temporary Detour

I'm in the process of transferring my domain to a new hosting site. In the meanwhile, here is a temporary url link to my new site. Click on the image over on the right sidebar that says "temporary detour" Hope you love it!

Soon

Thank you to those of you who have emailed me and acknowledged my little endeavor to be authentic. This is the week I'm supposed to be posting about my big spiritual experience (you know, my conversation with god.) I want to share in a way that moves and inspires, unfortunately I don't think my energy is equal to the task. I have been on this computer all day putting the finishing touches on my new website so I can launch in the next few days...my eyes won't stay open. There are still a few more issues to be resolved before I've completed it. Ugh!

My apologies...hopefully I can conclude my journey soon.

Happiness and Love,
Susan

Beauty

The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever, but is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these the spirit blooms timidly and struggles to the light among thorns. ~ George Santayana

Without Her

http://www.furious.com/perfect/alkooper.html

Authentic Thursday week 6

If you've been following this mini series, you'll know I've been sharing (on a somewhat personal level) a sort of memoir. I've been dreading this week...actually, I'm feeling like backing out completely. Why you ask? Ok, maybe you don't ask :) but here's why; lots of yucky stuff!!! Also, I have to tread delicately in this area as the information does involve those of my loved ones.
Some good stuff too though~

Here's something I deliberately left out of my last segment: part of what prompted me to leave my marriage, religion, etc. was an infatuation with another man. More like an obsession. Let's put it this way...listen to my cd. Most of the songs on there were written during that period of my life.
Due to the tenets of my religion of that time, I was cut off from the congregation for being an adulterer. I felt like a murderer. I knew I had hurt my husband...badly. It was a tremendous shock to all those in my life.
I moved out of my home and into the artist loft I was renting in downtown Long Beach. This was in 1997. I spent the next 4 years painting, writing songs, and being in a relationship that was passionately painful.
Since I had left my beliefs and friends behind, my love/romance became my new religion.

In February of 2000 my father died. In September 2001 my romantic relationship ended and I had my conversation with God. I will wrap this up next week.

Much happiness,
Susan

Playing with dolls

Why did I ever stop playing with dolls? Oh I remember, I was
anxious to grow up. Typical of me ;)




Life has been coming at me and I'm slightly overwhelmed, but fear not, come hell or high water, I will be posting again this Thursday.

Miss Pettigrew Soundtrack- 14 If I Didn't Care

Authentic Thursday week 5

I hope everyone is having the holiday season they desire! I for one have been sick with the flu and a broken heart...I won't go into details about the broken heart situation since it may come off as unnecessary whining. Still, it hurts :(

So my friends, in my last episode of sharing I left off with the details of my religion. As stated previously, I began exploring my creative nature and started a little painting business of my own. In addition to painting, I've always loved music and singing. In fact when I was around 8 years old I declared that I wanted to be an artist/ movie star/ musician/hippie. This was in many ways a result of a visit to San Francisco. We went there during the height of the hippie phenomenon in the 60's and my fate was sealed...I guess :) Oh wait! Come to think of it, my desire to be a famous singer was actually ignited a little earlier when watching The Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was my earliest inspiration, I would force people to sit down and listen to me sing that song. Coincidentally, Judy Garland and I share the same birthday. Yep, Judy and I go way back :)

Back on track now. Circa 1996, I started writing songs. It's strange to want something so much when being a young girl, and then do nothing to nurture the desire. I just let it die...until 1996. Then I started writing like crazy. Amidst this creative expression there was something else lingering inside me, though I wasn't aware of it. My spiritual self wasn't being satisfied. My marriage wasn't working. Well, actually we were getting along splendidly as a sort of brother/sister couple. As a "married" couple, however, we really needed help. So I left. The whole thing. The religion, the marriage, all my friends...goodbye.

I had been renting a workspace in an antique store to do my art and there was a loft upstairs. I moved in and took my daughter (10 years old at the time) with me. My son was 19 and stayed with my husband. Drastic huh? In my own defense, I did seek help while in my marriage. It just wasn't enough of the right kind of help...in my opinion. Looking back I can see how selfish I behaved. I just couldn't do any better at the time. I spent 17 years with the same man, FAITHFUL I might add. After trying my best, I couldn't try any more. That was 1997.

Next week I will tell you about my conversation with God (or someone doing a good impersonation) This took place in September 2001. It's cool, I promise! I'm hoping to post a photo of a new creation this weekend so check back :}

Peace and Love,
Susan