Authentic Thursday week 8

Letting it fall apart….in our culture we try to “keep it together.” Looking good on the outside is overrated. Rather than admit we need help, many of us put on a good front…that is until we can’t fake it anymore. That’s where I was back in 2001. Everything in my life was falling apart and I couldn’t keep it together any more. Please see last weeks post so you will understand what’s going on in this post. I’m in the middle of a conversation with God.

So I say to god, “I’m not ready for this” and she says “Yes you are.” “She” you ask? Yes, my new god had a female voice. Actually she had my voice. The voice didn’t come from somewhere outside of me, rather, it came from deep inside of me. This very mature, sensible, complete and perfectly evolved part of me. She wasn’t going to let me go backward into ignorant bliss. Each time I began to panic, she would calm me down with a voice of reason. My thoughts were racing!!!
Who are you? “I am who you need me to be.” What about my belief as a Jehovah’s Witness? “That was what you needed at the time.” This means you could also be some malicious punishing god that burns people forever. “Why does fire scare you, is that the worst thing you can think of? You are eternal and fire cannot harm you. You are energy.”

Ok, so you think that’s weird? Then, (because I’m completely narcissistic) I say to god “I know things other people don’t know…” and god says “Yes you do know things others don’t. And they know things you don’t, you all need each other.” Why do I have to be an artist, I don’t want to be an artist. Why can’t I be a rich business person? “You chose this path.” No I didn’t, I didn’t ask to be born….long uncomfortable pause on god’s part, leaving me to fill in the blanks. I don’t like what she’s implying! Interpretation is open here. At the time I went through this conversation I understood this to mean that I had a pre-human existence, chose to be born and be on this journey. In fact, I still believe that. As a matter of fact god said “you came here to learn about love and jealousy.” Clearly I have a long way to go in that regard! As I review this very radical experience, as I write this post and see my words, and god’s words, I see possibility.

Well, let’s just say I continued to freak out with all of this new information. It took a good while to assimilate and digest this new concept of god. It was so foreign to my previous beliefs, yet so undeniably authentic. I continue to try and maintain an open mind and be tolerant of others beliefs. I realize that whatever concept another may have of god, though it may be completely different from my understanding, it is exactly how they need to understand god. It’s not my job to convert people into thinking like me. Still, I do hope what I’ve shared has resonated with some, and perhaps rattled a few cages. If you’re going through a spiritual crisis, you can survive. You may need help. So get help. It may be terrifying to let it fall apart, but sometimes it’s actually falling together. We all need each other…

Peace and Love,

Susan

Authentic Thursday

Blogging is a weird and tricky thing. Especially when you're not a journalist or even a writer. Why do I do it?
I think I started a blog so I could comment on other blogs, I needed a profile. Also, I was trying to create a separate identity from my painter/artist identity.
I chose a slightly unusual name "Femme Hesse". What does that mean? I made it up. I'm a big fan of Hermann Hesse and I'm female...so there you go. The title of this blog is "Naked Mind" a term I took from one of his books which describes a state of being...

When it came to separating myself from my art, I quickly caved and started showing my art here because it's easier to post a photo than to write something interesting and meaningful, at least for me!

I've titled this post "Authentic Thursday" which is something I intend to do on every Thursday, attempt to share something of myself in an authentic way...we'll see :)

If you notice over on the right is my profile which states "Life, art, spirituality, death." Those are the topics I had planned to write about when I started blogging, and I'm going to start doing exactly that. At least on Thursdays.

So let's get this show on the road! Starting with "spirituality" have I told you about my conversation with God? Probably not. And I won't be sharing that with you today because it would be best to lead up to that story with a little background history of my journey...

Please bear with me for a few weeks as I drag you through my early years. I willl eventually get more up to date with my sharing.

I was baptized Catholic as an infant, and raised by an atheist mother...isn't that quirky? Catechism on Tuesdays was my only exposure to the Catholic religion. My mom wanted us to have some religion, though she was turned off by the whole thing...

Ok, enough of that for now...let me tell you about my skin color. As a kid I had tons of freckles. My dad is from Irish/Scottish descent and I inherited his complexion. My mom, on the other hand, is Portuguese and has an olive complexion. I always wanted to be brown. I was a very discontented child.

I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12 or so. Oh and by the way, I was ALWAYS boy crazy!
Backtracking a bit...when I was 6 we moved to a community in San Diego called "Princess Gardens". It was a new housing tract.

It hardly looked like a garden, though it did have a natural beauty with the canyons and the hills all around it. Gradually the homeowners began landscaping and beautifying their property. My mom, well she tried. She planted ivy in the front yard. I don’t think it “took” if you know what I mean. The weeds tended to take over everything. We would spend our Saturdays watering the ground to soften it so we could pull the weeds. The only thing that survived in that soil was a goofy pine tree. It grew really tall as if to say, “you weeds can’t keep me down!"

Well, that will be all for this week...though I will share something from Hesse:

"Every man is more than just himself; he also represents the unique, the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way, and never again. "
Hermann Hesse

eir darkness, their suffering or fears, but a drop of pure light, eternal cheerfulness...